作者：海嘉 Haijia

我听了一些很有高度的道，读过一些励志的书，作为天然人就自认为懂了，也行得出来了，却不知道我站在这样的高度会站不稳，会经不起风浪。

经不起拒绝和打击的时候，我会产生和释放巨大的负面情绪，就像一个刺猬，毫不留面子地否定对方，充满杀伤力，让身边的人很苦，让爱我的人很累，也让我立志行善，却因行不出来而逃跑。

即使宣泄负面情绪曾经毁灭我用心耕耘过的爱情、亲情、友情，中断过我的事业，杀伤我在乎的一切，我仍对它们的杀伤力度无感，我知道宣泄负面情绪不好，但不知道是多么不好？我能感受到的只有百分之十，甚至更少，那感受不到的百分之九十就成为了自欺。因为天然人的感觉是以自我为中心的,只专注自己的痛苦，心就很硬。   

然而自欺是不会长久的，即使不自欺了，也未必立即有答案。停止宣泄负面情绪是一个漫长而苦涩的旅程，一个寻找答案的旅程，答案不在听道和读励志的书中，而在向天然人反方向奔跑的祷告中。

在安静的祷告中，神让我看见了，那些让我感到受伤的人，原来他们并不知道我这么痛。神也提醒我，我曾经也如此对待过别的人，那些受过我负面情绪伤害的人，我何曾真懂过他们的感受呢？在祷告中，那些经历都成了我今天的镜子。

受伤很深，很缺乏爱和安全感的人，如果没有操练走出自我中心、伤害文化，一定会不由自主地宣泄自己的情绪。与其说宣泄和失控是我们的习惯，不如说，宣泄情绪使得我们的心很难柔软，想软，却不知道如何软下来。

身边的人是否包容我们，改变不了我们的这一陋习，也不能提升我们的能力和品格，人际关系的幸福却会越来越远离我们。

怎样与人和好，包括那些被我伤害过的人，和伤害过我的人；不打电话给人，只打电话向神倾诉。只有在祷告中我会不再那么专注自己的痛，越专注自己的痛，心就越硬，越专注耶稣，心越柔软，就容易感受到我无感的百分之九十，越能感受对方的受伤，我越能完全地柔软下来。

停止宣泄负面情绪是一个在祷告中重复做的决定，是一种操练。

记忆像一个储存卡，记录了我所看的、读的、祷告的、经历的、所领受的，有时候我不得不清理一遍，重要的东西就会凸显出来,特别是那些答案。

今天，我祷告中默默求神，帮助我用诗描写这一个漫长而苦涩的旅程。祂立即给了！于是，一气呵成了这首小诗《明天，看负面情绪飘散》。

这首诗是三部曲：1.人的后悔，人的办法，再回去重来；2.宽恕自己和别人，神的办法，不再苦毒和抱怨等于断开脚链；3.明天我不再宣泄负面情绪。

 明天，看负面情绪飘散

Tomorrow Shall witness the negativism disperse

 交换  Exchange

  插图:亚娜 Illustration by Yana Schwannecke

我曾问自己

为什么到达约翰福音四章的井边走到五十岁

我要向谁

收回乞讨岁月里的泪水

每一次想起后悔的事

总想再活一回

 I asked myself,

宽恕 Forgiveness

插图: 亚娜 Illustration by Yana Schwannecke

如果四季可以定格在秋日

如果阳光愿意挥洒在我傍晚的窗台

如果永恒的造物主正垂听我的晚祷

我愿把血脉基因里每一丝苦毒切断

让每一句抱怨枯萎

和好今生今世追讨我的 我追讨的全部的记忆

 If the four seasons may remain in autumn day

期盼 Awaiting

插图：亚娜 Illustration by Yana Schwannecke

明天将绽放我今日祭坛前的勇气和祝愿

变为和好的天使（哥林多后书 5:18-20 ）

陪饥渴者向父神归回

听深渊与深渊的融合

看负面情绪飘散   

Deeper Understanding Of Venting Negative Emotions

Haijia Schwannecke

 I heard some deep preaching and read some motivational books; as a natural person I considered myself as understanding of the principles and I could live it out, yet not knowing that I couldn’t stand firm at this altitude, I could not withstand the storm.

During times when I cannot withstand rejection and blows, tremendous negative emotions were generated, like a porcupine. I denied the other party, disregarded other's “face” or feelings, full of wounding power, causing pain to the people around me and making it a chore for those who love me. I ran away as a result of seeing my life, a life which failed to walk the talk. 

Venting negative emotions once had harmed love, family, friendship, and had disrupted my career, and damaged everything that matters to me. I lost the awareness of sensing the damage of my negative emotions. I know venting negative emotions is harmful, but how harmful? I can only feel ten percent of the harmfulness, even less. The remaining ninety percent that I cannot feel has become self-deception, since the feeling of natural people is self-centered. I just focused on my own pain and my heart became hard.

Self-deception does not last long and once you stop deceiving yourself, there may not be immediate understanding about it. To stop venting negative emotions is a lifelong and bitter journey. A journey to find answers, yet the answer lies in this journey. This answer is not in listening to the sermons and reading inspirational books, but in the prayers of running in the opposite direction of the my habitual nature.

In quiet prayers, God showed me those who made me feel hurt, they didn't know I was hurt so much. God also reminded me that I have treated others in the same way. Those who have been hurt by my negative emotions, had I ever really understood their feelings? In prayers, those experiences have become my mirror today. 

If we who are deeply injured and lack love and security, have not exercised  walking out of the self-centered and hurt culture, we will vent emotions involuntarily. Venting negative emotions and loss of control becomes not only our habit, I would rather say, venting emotions makes it difficult for our hearts to soften. Even we want to, but don't know how.

Whether the people around us tolerate us, can neither change our bad habit nor improve our ability and character. The happiness of relationships will be farther and farther away from us.

How to reconcile with others? Including reconcile with those I have hurt, with the people who have hurt me; Don't call people, just call God to pour out unbearable emotions. Only in prayers I became able to stop focusing on my hurts. The more I focused on my feelings, the harder would be my heart, the more I focused on Jesus, the softer became my heart. I became able to feel the ninety percent of my insensitivity. The more I can feel the others hurts, the more I can soften down myself completely.

To stop venting negative emotions is a decision made repeatedly in prayers, and it is an exercise.

Memory is likened to a storage card, having recorded what I have seen, read, prayed, experienced, and received. Sometimes I have to tidy it up, where the important things become prominent, especially the answers.

Today, I earnestly seek God during my prayer, to help me pen down a poem that describes this lifelong and bitter journey. He immediately granted! So, I have written this poem 《Tomorrow negative emotions no more》.

This poem is a trilogy: 1. Man’s regret; man’s way, return to start again.2. Forgive yourself and others; God’s way, bitterness and grumbling no more. 3. Tomorrow I no longer vent my negative emotions.